


Sirius Black One Shots

by revengingbarnes



Series: Sirius Black One Shots [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Imagines, Implied Sexual Content, Marauders' Era, one shots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2019-09-17 15:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16976997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revengingbarnes/pseuds/revengingbarnes
Summary: A collection of Sirius Black one shots originally written for my Tumblr.





	1. Chapter 1

You weren’t sure how or when you started crushing on Sirius Black, but it filled you with unmistakable panic. **  
**

It was common knowledge that you and Sirius didn’t get along well. You hated his arrogant attitude and flirty personality. He hated you because according to him, you were “an obnoxious know-it-all”. Needless to say, neither of you made any effort to be friends. You were barely civil, and the only reason you tired was because Lily Evans, your best friend, was dating James Potter, his best friend.

“I hate him,” you said through gritted teeth, glaring daggers at the back of Sirius’s head. Lily sighed before dropping her copy of  _Advanced Potions, Grade_   _7_ and turning to look at you. Both of you were sitting under a tree by the Great Lake. The sun was shining bright despite the cold air, and it made you feel drowsy. You would have been perfectly content if that  _insufferable idiot_  hadn’t shown up.

“I know, you already said that six times.” She looked at you, amusement sparkling in her eyes as you continued to glare at Sirius, who was laughing at something James had just said. “Y’know, I’m surprised he hasn’t dropped dead yet, considering how much poison there is in your eyes.”

You snorted. “I’m more disappointed than surprised.”

You continued looking at the boys across from you at the other side of the lake, only to see them slowly trudging over to where you sat.

“Oh no.” You tried to get up and leave, but Lily grabbed your arm. You whined in protest.

“Stop being melodramatic. Being in the same vicinity as him won’t give you a disease.” She pulled you back down on the grass beside her.

“Actually, I’m pretty sure it will.”

Before Lily could scold you again, the boys had reached you, James flopping down next to Lily and planting a sloppy kiss to her cheek, making her giggle and push him away.

The rest of them sat down facing you, Remus giving you a smile which you gladly returned. You liked Remus. He was smart and witty, a fun person to hang out with. Your smile immediately got replaced by a scowl when your eyes met stormy grey ones.

“Black.”

“Y/L/N.”

You caught Lily’s eye before you could throw a scalding comment his way. She was shaking her head, giving you a _please, not again_  look. So you shut your mouth and returned to your book.

* * *

You hadn’t realized how your feelings for Sirius changed until one day he didn’t show up to any of his classes. He was sick, according to James, and for a split second, you felt genuine concern for him before you shook your head, thinking  _what the fuck._

You hadn’t realized your feelings for Sirius until he laughed at his own joke, something you suddenly found endearing rather than annoying.

You hadn’t realized your feelings for Sirius until he his hair fell in his face while he worked on an assignment, and you had to physically stop yourself from tucking it behind his ear.

You hadn’t realized your feelings for Sirius until they consumed you completely, until he was all that you could think of, until you accepted the fact that you could never tell him. He would never feel the same, and you’d have to take this secret to the grave with you.

* * *

Now here you were in your seventh year Potions class, panicked and angry when Slughorn decided to seat Sirius next to you. Why he wanted to do that, you had no clue, so instead you settled with cussing him out in your brain.

Taking a deep breath to control your anger, you tried to focus on the lecture as Sirius continued to tap his quill on the desk. You gritted your teeth, wanting nothing more than to grab the quill from his hand and break it into two. So you did just that.

Sirius stared at you, mouth open as you handed the broken pieces back to him, giving him a fake sweet smile. He sneered before turning to his bag, and pulling out another quill, he began tapping it on his desk.

You were glad that Professor Slughorn finally turned to face the class after he finished writing the main point of the day’s lecture on the board. Had he stayed turned with his back to the class, you would have slapped Sirius, and you were in no mood of getting yet another detention.

Thankfully, Sirius stopped his tapping as the teacher started to walk around the room, placing a vial of clear-looking liquid at each table. As he returned to the front, he started to speak.

“Today’s topic is something I’m sure you lot will enjoy learning about,” he said. “Sitting before you on your tables, is one modest vial of the most powerful love potion on the planet; Amortentia.”

You leaned forward to stare at the bottle in intrigue. You had never seen Amortentia before, which was normal since it was an illegal brew. Sirius was staring at the little bottle with interest that almost paralleled yours. Slughorn continued.

“Amortentia’s biggest distinguishing feature is that it has the ability to smell like something - or someone - you love. As it is illegal to brew, you will not be brewing this potion in my class, however, I have provided you samples to examine. You must all know how to recognize Amortentia by how it smells to you.”

As Slughorn settled in his seat, the students started uncorking bottles and taking a whiff. You leaned forward, wanting nothing more than to know what Amortentia smelled like for you. You imagined the smell of books, or maybe rain. Maybe even a fire crackling in a forest. But as you took a whiff, you frowned.

“Could you move over? I can’t smell anything over the scent of your horrendous shampoo.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes and raised an eyebrow. “At least I didn’t drench myself in perfume before I came to class!”

Your mouth open in protest. “I’m not wearing any perfume, dim-wit!”

“Well I didn’t wash my hair today, smartass!”

A cackle from the table in front of you broke your jabs. You looked up to see that James and Remus had turned around in their seats, James gasping for breath and Remus with his mouth wide open and a look of realization on his face.

“What?” You snapped, annoyed to no end.

“That’s your Amortentia. Your Amortentia smells like Sirius’s shampoo….” He trailed off as he looked between you and Sirius.

“And Sirius’s Amortentia smells like Y/N’s perfume!” James chimed in, face now red from the effort of holding back laughter.

Your body ran cold at the implications of their words. You didn’t dare to look at Sirius, too afraid to know what his face might look like.  _Now he knows how I feel_. You wanted nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow you whole. Your secret was out.

The rest of the period was spent in silence, James making an occasional joke about the revelations, making you turn red hot at every word. It was only when class ended and you were walking back to your common room that your processed the other half of today’s fiasco. What you realised made you gasp.

Sirius’s Amortentia smelled like you. Sirius Black loved you.

You stood in the middle of the corridor, mouth open and breaths heavy. You couldn’t believe it, couldn’t even grasp the concept of Sirius feeling the same way. You had known him for almost 7 years now. Yet he hadn’t said a word.

Your shock was quickly replaced by anger. He hadn’t said a word! All this time you’ve felt like absolute crap trying to suppress your feelings, and he didn’t even bother telling you! At the back of your head, you knew you hadn’t told him either. But blaming Sirius for your life’s failures had become a force of habit, so you went along with your anger.

In your moment of hotheadedness, you let your feet carry you directly to your common room. By now your mind had stopped forming rational thought. You spat out the password and climbed in.

“SIRIUS BLACK!” Five heads turned as the boys and Lily looked at you from their place on the couches next to the fireplace. Sirius raised his eyebrows and stood up, his body tense.

“How dare you!” You continued screaming, stomping over to where he stood. Your fists made contact with his chest as you hit him over and over, pushing him slightly.

“Fuck you, Black. Literally… FUCK. YOU. You insufferable twat, with your stupid eyes, and your stupid face and your  _fucking stupid hair_ , fuck you and your perfect little-”

Sirius grabbed your wrists, holding them down on your side. Then, with a look of absolute determination on his face, he tugged you closer and pressed his lips against yours in a searing kiss.

The common room probably erupted into gasps and shouts at his action, but none of it registered over the feeling of Sirius’s lips on yours. His hands found your hips, pulling you closer as his tongue crept into your mouth. Your fingers tangled into his hair, and bliss overtook your body. Heart thumping and face hot, with your breaths and sighs mixing together, you kissed each other like it was the last time you’d kiss. Like starved souls finally uniting. You kissed like you wanted to make up for seven wasted years, like you’d never see each other again.

You cursed biology for having to pull away, your need for air was too strong. Sirius looked at you, a million different emotions in his eyes. You pulled him closer, arms wrapping around each other, sinking into his body heat. He didn’t have to say anything. There was nothing left to say. Amortentia had said it all for you.


	2. I Like Your Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader is socially awkward with a massive crush on Sirius. Finally, she’s forced to confess.

“Y/N, will you please stop looking at Sirius like the sun shines out of his ass?” **  
**

You broke your gaze with flushed cheeks, turning to look at your friends. Alice was looking at you with a weird expression, book on her lap long forgotten. Lily was sitting next to her, quill scratching against the parchment as she wrote. She was trying hard to suppress a smile on her face.

“I don’t look at him like the sun shines out of his ass,” you replied indignantly. Lily snorted and finally looked up with a look on her face that said ‘ _really?_ ’

You huffed before returning to your own essay, trying to ignore laughter coming from the other side of the common room, heart fluttering at the sound.

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon, which meant that all the students were confined to their common rooms. This was the first time in a really long time that the Gryffindor common room was this crowded, as nearly the entire house was scattered around. There was chatter and laughter everywhere. Sitting at one of the larger desks, you and your friends tried to finish your Charms essay due tomorrow.

Laughter broke out from beside the fireplace again. You didn’t have to look up to recognize it was Sirius. You knew his laughter too well.

You had had a crush on Sirius since your third year. Now you were halfway through your sixth, and your feelings for him were stronger than ever. You knew him well enough. Considering James loved finding every opportunity to talk to Lily, you’d crossed paths more often than not. You’d never said more than a  _hello_ , or  _how are you?_ since you could never bring yourself to talk to him. Sirius had this way of holding himself that unnerved you, yet was what attracted you to him in the first place.

Your crush had grown to an embarrassing affection for the boy. You longed to talk to him, laugh with him, hang out with him, just  _do things_  with him. But you had a terrible case of social anxiety. And Sirius was far too intimidating, in your opinion. Even though literally everyone said otherwise.

“Y/N, you’re staring again,” Alice sighed. “Honestly? We’ve talked about this! Either tell him about it, or move on. This middle ground situation is going to tear you apart.”

You put your quill down and sighed. “You don’t think I’ve tried, Alice? I spend every day thinking, ‘okay this is the day I get over Sirius’, and I keep thinking I’ll be alright, that I can handle being around him, but then he smiles like… like _that_ , and then suddenly it’s back to square one.”

Lily’s eyes shone with pity as she looked at you. “Oh hon, you need to tell him. This has gone way past the stage where you can get over him. Maybe you can talk it out?”

You scoffed. “Me? Talk to Sirius? I’m sorry Lily, have you _met_  me?”

You picked up your quill again, writing furiously on your parchment, signaling the end of the conversation. You hated yourself for how awkward you were. But you couldn’t help it. You had a natural instinct to avoid Sirius, because you knew you’d embarrass yourself when you talked to him. Gritting your teeth, you forced your mind to return to your essay.

* * *

You hummed to yourself as you prepared for bed, brushing your hair and fluffing up the pillows. You knew you wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, staying in the common room the whole day had made you restless. You couldn’t settle down enough to relax into your bed, and you knew your friends felt the same way.

You turned around to look at them, raising an eyebrow when you saw them both sitting on Lily’s bed, patting a spot next to them.

“Let’s play a game,” Alice said. “C’mon it’ll be fun. How about Truth or Dare?”

You rolled your eyes and snorted. “Truth or Dare? That’s so mainstream.”

Alice pulled a face. “You have a better idea?”

You shrugged and joined them on the bed. There was nothing else to do. “Only until I start to get sleepy, okay?”

* * *

An hour into the game and you had tears of laughter streaming from your eyes. You all had done terrifyingly brilliant things. Admitted certain dirty secrets. More recently, Lily had stepped out of the bathroom with shocking pink hair that she would have to keep for twenty four hours. As Lily settled back down, Alice turned to you. “Your turn.”

“Truth,” you said automatically, you would die before you chose a dare.

Alice smiled wickedly. “Nuh-uh. You already chose truth three times. Now you have to choose dare before you can choose truth again. ”

Your smiled disappeared when you realized she was right. Dammit. As you stared at Alice, you knew immediately what she’d make you do.

“No.”

Alice was already shaking her head. “No take backs Y/N, you know that.”

You felt your heart quicken but you didn’t reply, knowing you were stuck.

“He’s still in the common room. Saw him there while I snuck down to the kitchens.”

You gulped. “Alice, give me something else. Anything. Please, do  _not_ make me confess to Sirius. I’ll do literally anything else!”

“That’s why you have to do this.” was Alice’s reply. She had already grabbed your arm and was leading you to the door. “Come on, Y/N. Don’t be a wuss. You can do this. You will do this. Aren’t you tired of constantly pining after Sirius?”

“Actually, no. I’m perfectly content with the way my life is, thank you very m-” The door slammed shut. You heard a click, signaling that it was locked. You groaned and knocked.

“Alice, please stop being immature.”

A muffled voice replied instantly. “ _You’re_ the immature one here, Y/N. It’s just one simple dare. Do it, and you can come back in. Until then, good night.”

You don’t know how long you sat with your back against the door, but it was long enough to make your toes numb with cold. Now, you felt anger build up in you.

 _This is ridiculous Y/N. You call yourself a Gryffindor? How shameful. Can’t even tell a boy how you feel_. Letting out a huff, you finally stood up, joints cracking. There was only one way out of this.

The common room fire was still blazing, and you could see a mop of black hair over the top of the couch. Sirius probably heard your footsteps, as he turned around to look. Surprise registered on his face as he looked at you. “Y/N! Hi.”

You smiled and sat down next to him, your heart was beating so loud you were afraid it’d burst out of your chest. You sent up a silent prayer to whoever was listening before clearing your throat.

“You’re awake.” Immediately, your cheeks grew hot.  _Thank you, Captain Obvious._  You didn’t dare to look at him, just continued staring at the fire.

Sirius huffed out a laugh. “Well, yes. That’s a nice observation.” He nudged you playfully, causing you to jump slightly. You let out a breath and looked at him, finally. His eyes were filled with mirth, a smirk playing on his face. _He already hates you._

Shaking the thought from your head, you started playing with the hem of your shirt. Ugh, why was this so hard.

“You couldn’t sleep?” Sirius asked. You shook your head.

“No. I mean, yes I could. But um, I had something to do.”

Sirius’s eyebrow raised. “Oh?”

Taking a deep breath, you squeezed your eyes shut before speaking.

“If I tell you I… you know… care about you… would you laugh at me?”

Silence.

Your nails were digging into the palm of your hand. Your face was already heating up again. You didn’t dare look at Sirius. You didn’t even want to know what he was thinking right now.

“I won’t laugh.” His voice was soft. Ever so slowly, he moved slightly closer to you. You didn’t shift a muscle.

Silence took over you two again. Then, mustering every last ounce of courage, you looked up. Sirius was staring at you expectantly. You blinked.

“Right. There’s…. I should-I should say something. I know I’m… me… but I like you. A lot.”

You took another shaky breath. By now, your hands had gone clammy and sweaty. But once you’d started, you couldn’t seem to stop talking.

“What I mean to say is…. look, I like being around you. I like when you’re happy. I… I like your face.”

Sirius smirked at you. “You like my face?”

Immediately, you realized what you had just said. You started internally screaming.  _What the hell was that, Y/N?!_ You tried to backtrack.

“No! I mean, yes. Your face is nice, but you’re more nice. I want to be around you a lot. And your face.”

You cringed at your own words.  _Oh my god_. This was turning out to be as much of a disaster as you had dreaded. You opened your mouth to talk again, try and take everything back, when you realized Sirius was laughing.

Your insides twisted. You had completely, utterly and infinitely embarrassed yourself, but Sirius was laughing. That suppressed little laugh that sent him into a fit of giggles. You felt yourself smile as you looked at him.

“Oh Merlin, you are so adorable.” Wait, what?

“What?” You looked at him incredulously.

He nodded, a huge smile on his face. “You are way too cute, Y/N. I want to hear you talk all day.”

Your barely gone blush returned full force and you instinctively looked down at your lap, fidgeting with your hands, unable to hold eye contact. Your heart was beating so loud, you were positive Sirius could hear it. A soft finger pressed under your chin, making you look up.

“Fortunately, I happen to like your face too.” He was still grinning, and you let out a shaky laugh.

“Will you let me take this face out on a date?”


	3. Some Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius pining for the reader.

Sirius Black was utterly, completely and irrevocably in love with Y/N Y/LN. And it was getting harder to hide it.

Some days Sirius Black would be sure that he’d get over her. But then she’d walk past him in the corridor on her way to class. She’d smile at him; that big beautiful smile that left Sirius breathless. Made his heart pound and his legs weak. And then, he’d backtrack all the way to the starting line.

Some days, Sirius Black would watch her as she laughed with her friends. He’d watch her as her eyes lit up like stars. Her laugh was serene; Sirius would love to listen to it all day. Sometimes, she’d give a full belly laugh, giggling and trying to suppress it until her face turned red and she had to hold on to her sides. Those were the days James had to physically shake Sirius until he broke his gaze. ( _“Mate, it’s getting creepy”_.) But he didn’t care. Not when she was so happy. Merlin, he wanted her to be like that all the time.

Some days Sirius Black would see her come to class just a little late. No one else noticed, but Sirius did. He immediately noticed the hunch in her shoulders, the slight redness in her eyes, the pale face. Those were the worst days. Because someone like Y/N should never be sad. Those were the days Sirius talked to her. He’d pick up random subjects and make jokes until she would crack a smile, the same smile that made his heart melt. Those days, he’d go to bed with a grin on his face.

Some days, Sirius Black would feel completely at peace. Sitting in front of the common room fire, Sirius would watch her as she was immersed in a book, in a world entirely her own. Despite seeing her laugh, Sirius believed it was these moments when she was the happiest. He’d watch the flames dance across her face as her eyes moved over the pages. She would bite her lip; a habit that Sirius loved and hated at the same time.

Some days, Sirius Black would wonder what she would say if he told her how he felt. Would she be happy? Surprised? Angry? He didn’t know. Would she say she felt the same way? Or would she just want to be friends? He didn’t know. And it wasn’t until his final year that he found out.

It was James who spilled the beans. Of course, he didn’t mean to. But he always had the habit of speaking first and thinking later. They had all been sitting by the fire. It was way past midnight. Peter was trying to convince James to try a piece of disgusting looking candy. Everyone else had refused to touch it. And James should have just said no. But he just had to _fuck things up._

“I’ll eat that thing the day Sirius tells Y/N he loves her. Which is never. So joke’s on you, Pete.” He seemed to realize immediately what he had said. But of course, it was too late.

A hush fell over the group and Sirius felt something cold press against his skull. He didn’t dare look at Y/N, who was sitting beside him on the couch. What happened next was the one thing Sirius would never have expected.

“Fucking  _finally_ ,” It was Lily. She let out a whoop before grabbing James by the collar of his shirt and dragging him away to the dorms, signalling Remus and Peter to follow. They didn’t protest, just followed her out. Sirius was still frozen, but he summoned enough courage to turn and look at Y/N.

She was already looking at him. Her eyes were shining as the firelight reflected from them. She broke the silence.

“You like me? Do you really?”

He nodded, his heart now beating painfully. “I thought it was obvious enough.”

When she didn’t speak, he continued. “It’s okay that you don’t feel the same. I kind of figured. That’s why I didn’t tell you. Then that twat had to go ruin it and-”

“Shut up.”

Sirius looked up in surprise. Y/N was still looking at him, now with a playful little smile playing on her lips.

“Kiss me, you big oaf.”

Sirius didn’t hesitate. He immediately placed his lips on hers.

It was perfect. The perfect kiss. Her lips were softer than he had imagined, her taste sweeter than he had pictured. Her hands ran through his hair, messing it up. And for the first time ever, he didn’t whine about it. Her fingers felt heavenly scraping against his scalp, sending chills down his spine. His hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer to him, her body flush against his. Sirius’s breath hitched when he felt that her heart was beating just as rapidly as his.

Some days, Sirius Black wondered why he hadn’t confessed sooner. Seven years of wasted pining, when he could have had her in his arms.

Some days, Sirius Black would still think about her. He would guess what she felt. Betrayal? Sadness? Or maybe denial?

Some days, Sirius Black would pine after her again, like he used to all those years ago. But these days, it was on the cold, hard ground of a rotten jail cell rather than while watching her in the warmth of the common room fire.


	4. I'll Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and the reader get into a fight when she risks her life for him.

“Unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable! What were you  _thinking_? Have you lost all sense of rational thought?  _Really, Y/N, do you want to die?!”_

It had been almost half an hour since you stepped into the Potter residence, and James was still screaming, pacing around the living room and occasionally raising his voice.

Lily sat beside you, trying to patch up a nasty gash on your arm. You continued staring at James, gaze hard. You couldn’t believe him right now. You jumped in to save his and Sirius’s life, and this is what you get? You scoffed internally. The Order shouldn’t have sent those two on this mission anyway.

“James,” Lily’s voice held warning. She obviously saw your rising temper as you stared at your brother and your fiancé, Sirius. He hadn’t said a word since you got back, just stood behind James, looking at the ground. His body was tense, and you knew him well enough to know he was holding back his own tongue. Though it wouldn’t be long before he exploded too.

“No, Lily! Let me talk! This has happened twice before. My lovely sister here seems to forget that me and Sirius can take care of ourselves.” James’ voice dripped sarcasm, and you finally stood up, making Lily protest from where she was cleaning your wounds.

“Oh, is that why you nearly got killed? Is that why I had to save your sorry arses?”

Sirius spoke up now. “James is right. We had it under control Y/N. Sure, we were in a tight spot, but we could have managed.”

You stared at him incredulously. That  _fucker_. First word he says since you came back and this is what he decides to let out?

You scoffed, stepping closer to Sirius, momentarily forgetting your brother and best friend.

“Oh, you’re going to take  _his_ side now? Wow, that’s rich-”

“I’m not taking  _sides_ -”

“I can’t believe you! What next? You’re going to lock me up in a room like a misbehaving child-”

 _ **“**_ ** _You could have died!”_**  You stopped talking immediately, shocked. Sirius had never screamed at you, ever. The room was taken over by a deafening silence. Sirius moved closer to you, then, eyes soft.

“You could have died.” He repeated, voice nearly a whisper. “ **I could have lost you.** If you want to make this about  _sides_ , I’m on whatever side keeps you alive. Can’t you see that?”

In the background, you heard James and Lily leave the room, but you didn’t care about that. Your eyes filled with tears as you stared at Sirius. Now that your anger was subsiding, you could see the worry in his eyes, the enormous amount of relief that you were safe. Your heart beat loudly and tears flowed freely now.

Sirius reached forward, wiping the tears from your eyes and pulling you in for a hug, placing a hand on the small of your back and the other tightly wrapped around you.

 **“I’d say sorry, but I’m not.”** You sobbed into his chest. “I only did what I did because I love you. I hate it when you go on missions, I hate not knowing if you’re okay. I’d do anything for you, I’d take any risk to keep you and my brother safe.”

“I know,” Sirius cooed. “I know that. And that’s what worries me. Sweetheart, I’ll die before I let anything happen to you.”

You looked at him. “And I’ll die before I let anything happen to  _you_.”

Sirius chuckled, booping his nose with yours. You smiled at the feeling. “We have a real problem then.”

You kissed him, soft yet firm, gentle yet passionate. You smiled against his lips.

“Nah, we’ll be okay.”


	5. And Then Some

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then I’ll wait until you’re ready. For you, I’d wait forever and then some.”

Sirius Black.

It was one of the most frequently used names in the entirety of Hogwarts. Ever since Sirius and his gang of three friends started gaining popularity, he was all they talked about. Boys wanted to be like him and girls wanted to be _with_  him. He was practically a celebrity.

Of course, when so many girls threw themselves at him, it inflated his ego. One night stands and casual flirting became words associated with him. And no girl protested. Well, maybe except you.

It was true, you had just as much of a crush on Sirius as everyone else. But unlike them, you didn’t start liking Sirius after he lost his baby fat and grew a little taller. You liked him because of his bravery, his loyalty to his friends and his humor. You liked him for who he was and not what he looked like. Of course, you didn’t let it show. No way in  _hell_  were you going to be another notch on his bedpost.

Maybe that was what drew him to you. Maybe it was because you happened to be one of the only girls in Hogwarts who didn’t whisper and giggle and wave whenever he walked by. It intrigued him, probably. Maybe that’s why he decided he had to have you.

You didn’t give into his advances. No way. You knew what boys like him did. You were a challenge. He wanted the validation that came with getting an uninterested girl wrapped around his finger like everyone else. You didn’t care how much you liked him. Didn’t care that his smile made you smile or that his laugh made your heart stutter. Nope. You and Sirius were _not_ happening.

“Why don’t you like me?”

It was cold, the wind was harsh, yet you were enjoying it from your place next to the Black Lake. His voice cut through the rustle of leaves, making your eyes snap to where he stood, hair wildly tossing around due to the wind. You raised your eyebrows.

“What do you mean, Black?”

Sirius sighed in utter exasperation and reached forward, grabbing your arm and tugging at it until you stood.

“Goddammit Y/N! Two years! It’s been two fucking years and you still don’t like me. I’ve tried everything. Why can’t you see that you mean the world to me? Why can’t you see that I  _love_ you!”

Your mouth gaped open in shock. This declaration was way different than his usual pick up lines and smirks. You looked closely now to see a thin layer of wet sheen in Sirius’s eyes, and your heart skipped a beat. Then, your face hardened.

“Stop. Don’t you dare say that to me. What do you think? This little stunt is going to get me to take off my pants? Guess again.”

Sirius looked at you with an expression of incredulity. “That’s what you think this is?” He stepped forward, grasping your arms and pulling you closer, his eyes boring into yours.

“Look at me, Y/N. Look at me and tell me how this is meaningless flirt.”

You stared at Sirius, eyes shifting across his face. The tears were still there, dancing in his eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed in worry and desperation. You knew, right there and then, this was no joke. Sirius was being honest. No one could fake anything that raw.

He let out a shaky breath. “God, I love you so much. I want to hug you, and kiss you, and make you smile and laugh. You are so beautiful, and kind, and smart, and… good god Y/N,  **you deserve all things that are good, and I won’t stop reminding you of that.**  I want to be able to give that to you. Why can’t you see that? You’re-”

“You’ll leave me,” your voice was merely a whisper, hardly audible over the roaring wind, but Sirius heard it. “You’ll use me, and leave me. Just like you always do. Just like everyone does.”

To your surprise, he let out a laugh. “Sweetheart, when was the last time I slept with a girl?”

You opened your mouth to reply but came up empty. You couldn’t remember. Every waking moment Sirius tried to get your attention one way or another. You couldn’t remember the last time he had flirted with another girl. Your heart gave a jolt.

“I haven’t flirted with anyone but you in two years.” He was still looking at you, voice quiet. Your face softened, still looking at him.

“Sirius I…. didn’t think. I’m.. I’m sorry.”

You thought of what else to say, struggling with yourself. “I can’t. Not right now, at least.”

Sirius smiled. “But you do like me?”

Taking a deep breath, you nodded. Sirius took a step back, still smiling.

**“Then I’ll wait until you’re ready. For you, I’d wait forever and then some.”**

Your cheeks flamed and breath hitched at his words. You seemed to be seeing him for the first time. All these years you had been so focused on not breaking, you never realized it was Sirius who broke. Unknowingly, you had made him yours. He was in love with you.

You don’t know how long you stood and stared into the distance after Sirius left. All you could think about were his words. All you could think about was how he had changed, subtly, but it was there. You remembered his cocky demeanor in the beginning, his smirks and flirts. You saw him now, open and exposed, but not scared because it was you. He wanted you, in every form of the word.

Your legs carried you back to the castle before your mind processed it. The Great Hall was jam packed with people, it was dinner time. You walked all the way to the end of the Gryffindor table, where Sirius sat with his friends. You pulled him up by the collar, making him stumble as he stood up. He scowled and turned around, ready to start scolding when he saw it was you. He seemed surprised, but this turned to utter shock when you pulled him down by his neck for a kiss.

The table seemed to erupt in gasps and cheers. In the distance, James seemed to be laughing and whooping. But you didn’t care. Your only focus was Sirius’s lips, his hands moving over your hips and waist, his hair soft under your fingers, his chest against yours and the feel of his pounding heart.

You never, ever regretted doing what you did. Not then, not it two years, not in ten. You still smiled as you thought of Sirius. You didn’t flinch when you saw the word ‘traitor’ plastered on his face in newspapers. You didn’t believe a word of it. You had chosen to trust Sirius a long time ago, and you still trusted him, to this very day.

And you waited for him, like he waited for you. And as you watched the rain patter on the window from your position on the window sill, you repeated his words from all that time ago.

_“For you, I’d wait forever and then some.”_


	6. Bloody Scars and Healing Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Every time I see you, you have a new bruise on your body. You’re either the world’s clumsiest person, or you’re in some kind of trouble.”

It was a small one on his shoulder that first caught your eye.

You were confused, wondering when you gave him a hickey _that_ large on his shoulder. You’d just gotten back from summer holidays, making you realize you hadn’t even done anything yet, so there’s no way you gave him that.

When you asked Sirius about it, he laughed it off, saying he bumped a little too hard against a door frame. You didn’t think much of it, just snorted and shook your head, calling him a clumsy git.

It didn’t stop there.

Over the next week, you saw three more wounds on his body; two on his arms and one on his shin. You grew really worried then, not knowing what the hell was going on.

**“Every time I see you, you have a new bruise on your body. You’re either the world’s clumsiest person, or you’re in some kind of trouble.”**

You saw it on his face, the tension despite him snorting and telling you that you were wrong. You saw the worry in his eyes, the panic in his expression as he made a joke about it. You were too observant to not notice the small things. He was hiding something.

Your suspicions were only confirmed when Sirius would stop you every time things got a little heated. Every time you tugged on his shirt, or signaled in any way that you wanted him to take it off, he’d break away, making an excuse about how he was tired or he had to do something. A very out of character act for someone like Sirius.

You knew there was a good reason if Sirius was hiding something from you, you both had a good thing going together, and you trusted each other. So him not telling you was worrisome, and you didn’t know what to do.

You decided to ask Remus one day, but all he did was act confused and say he didn’t know. It was only when you saw how much James stuttered when you asked him, that you realized Remus had lied straight to your face and you had had no idea. That talented fucker.

Peter refused to say a word, only hesitated and said that you should ask Sirius. Your frustration grew. You loved Sirius, so much. Just the fact that he might be hurt was killing you.

“You know I love you, right?” Your voice was soft as you spoke. You were tangled in the sheets together, enjoying your first Sunday after summer holidays. You stroked his hair, pulling him closer and intertwining your legs together.

His chest rumbled with laughter against you, head lifting from your chest to look at you. His eyes were soft, but instantly, you saw the pain in them. The exhaustion. Your heart lurched. Good Merlin, what was Sirius hiding?

“I know. I love you, too.” His voice was sincere, but even despite his best efforts to conceal his secret from you, it cracked towards the end. You felt the tears come into your own, one week of frustration and anxious worry catching up on you. So you squeezed your eyes shut and pressed your lips hard against his. You kissed him with all you had, telling him everything you wanted him to know.  _Please tell me what’s going on. I care about you. I want to help you._

Sirius kissed you back with equal fervor, fingertips digging into your skin, teeth nibbling at your bottom lip. He wouldn’t tell you, you realized it immediately. He’d keep it inside himself, even if it killed him. And you had to watch as he destroyed himself from the inside out.

* * *

Grumbling to yourself, you trudged up the steps to the boys’ dormitories, a scowl on your face.

“Late again. I swear, this twat  _wants_  to get detention.”

You pushed at the door to the Marauders’ room. It was silent as it opened, and you stepped inside.

Opening your mouth, you turned to Sirius, a ‘what’s taking you so long?’ ready at your lips, but it died there as you took in the sight in front of you.

Sirius stood with his back to you, shirtless. But that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, you’d seen him with much less clothing. It was the scars that made your breath hitch in the worst possible way.

Long, thin, jagged lines running from above his shoulder blade, disappearing under the waistband of his sweatpants. They were slightly faded, but you could imagine how they looked when they were fresh, angry red and dripping blood.

Your body turned ice cold and tears pricked your eyes. Someone had…. someone had  _whipped_ him.

Your gasped was choked as you reached for the wall to get some support. You saw the scars draw taut as his muscles tensed and he spun around. Your tears were already flowing, breaths heavy as you tried to muffle your sobs with your hands.

His eyes widened at your sight, panic overtaking his face as he pulled on a shirt frantically.

“Goddammit Y/N! Do you know how to  _knock_? Don’t you know the meaning of privacy?!”

Your sobs grew a little quieter at that, ignoring his words and moving towards him. He instantly took some steps away, making you pause.

“Sirius, please, **stop hiding from me. I just want to help you, can’t you see that?** ”

He shook his head frantically, turning around again so his back was to you.

“Leave.” It was short, curt, and effectively hurtful. You swallowed and ignored his words, moving closer to him, stopping inches from his body. Gently, you pushed your hands under his shirt, cold fingers coming in contact with his bare skin.

He tensed instantly, but didn’t move. His body was rigid as you ran your fingertips over his scars, as far up as they would go. You traced all of them, resting your forehead between his shoulder blades. You felt him shiver against you, before his body went pliant. His panicky, heaving breaths calmed down, and he hung his head. You felt the warmth seeping out from his shirt against your cheek, a shirt now wet with your own tears. Finally, when you were done, you wrapped your arms around him, pressing yourself to him.

“Your parents?”

His silence was a definite yes.

Sighing, you squeezed him slightly.

“You didn’t tell me. You hid this from me.”

Sirius’s voice was small when he spoke. “Are you angry?”

You sighed, feeling defeated.“ **I’m not angry at you. I never could be. I’m angry that your life has almost been on the line so many times and you’ve been hurt so much and I’m angry that you had to go through it alone.** ”

Sirius let out what sounded like a choked sob before turning around. His cheeks were wet with tears and you realized he had been crying for a while. You immediately reached up and wiped them, cupping his jaw and standing on tiptoe to ravish his face with kisses. He continued to cry, arms wrapping around you, burying his face into your neck as sobs left his body. Your heart ached for him, hands clutching onto him tightly, tears escaping your own eyes. Your chest tightened as you thought of all Sirius had been through, his pain, his grief. You wanted to take all of it and bury it forever, somewhere far where it would never reach him again. But all you could offer him right now were your words and your comfort.

“I love you. So much.”

He was nodding vigorously. “I know, I love you too. You’re my whole world. I’m sorry for not telling you. I’m so sorry.”

You didn’t let him continue. You pressed your lips to his, hands in his hair, your tears mixing together, his hands running up and down your back. Despite all your emotions, it was the best kiss you had ever shared. It was a perfect expression of the yearning in your heart and the love running through your veins. It was a while before you pulled back, resting your foreheads against each other’s. You let out a soft sigh, a smile gracing your lips as Sirius kept pressing small kisses all over your face.

Things weren’t okay, things were actually terrible. But you had Sirius and he had you. You both would make it through, and the finishing line had never looked more beautiful.


	7. Broken Boy Meets Broken Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please don’t go. I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Sirius Black was a name synonymous with ‘bad boy’ at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His swoon-worthy looks and laid back nature, along with the flirting and pranking and getting into trouble more often than not had all contributed to the reputation. But somehow, by some miracle, that didn’t deceive you.

Maybe it was because you had experienced betrayal no seventeen year old should experience at that age. Maybe because you had already felt pain so acutely from people who meant everything to you, it wasn’t hard to spot the same pain in someone else.

Maybe that’s why it was so easy to see the exhaustion on Sirius’s face whenever he thought no one was looking. Or the flinch in his eyes when teachers called him “Mr Black”.

You saw it on the first day, the day he got sorted into Gryffindor. You saw the relief on his face, though no one else noticed it. You knew that feeling. You had felt it just two minutes prior, when your name had been called.

You saw it in the littlest things. The shift in his eyes, the brief, almost unnoticeable drop in his expression whenever somebody turned away. You saw it in his rash decisions, in his tendency to get into trouble.

You and Sirius were two sides of the same coin. You came from a prestigious family like his, the only difference was that your family had been avid supporters of the truth and what was right, until recently.

Your ancestors’ dignity had apparently died when it came to your parents. Both of them had declared themselves as Death Eaters. Shocked by the announcement, your brothers had followed suit. But you hadn’t. It took a great deal of thinking for your young mind to realize that they were wrong, but when you did, the wrath was unbelievable.

Maybe that’s why you could read Sirius like an open book. Because to you, it just felt like reading yourself. The only difference was that Sirius preferred to keep it buried so deep, that his outer shell was just that; a shell. Something entirely unlike what he really was.

You and Sirius weren’t close friends, so to speak. You knew each other, you said hi every once in a while. But it never went past mere acquaintances. You were a quiet person, tending to stick to your tight knit group of friends. You preferred to watch, to think, to take people apart with your mind, and your favourite person to ponder was Sirius.

He reminded you of yourself in so many ways that it was eerie. And you saw right through his perfectly constructed facade. He managed to have the whole school fooled, but not you. You were too familiar with his pain to be deceived.

* * *

He was sniffling, his shoulders were shaking, his head hung low. You watched as Sirius quietly shed tears, hands tugging at his hair in frustration and eyes screwed shut. You didn’t mean to spy, you didn’t know he’d be up at the Astronomy Tower when you snuck up here. Another unnervingly similar trait. You both had the same escape place.

You stayed silent, not knowing what to do. You couldn’t go back down, Filch was now roaming the only exit hallway. You couldn’t stay and stare, that was just creepy. And you felt bad about catching him like this. For someone who was so careful about maintaining an image, this would be a hard blow.

Another wrecked sob left Sirius’s mouth, making your heart lurch. You couldn’t leave him, not like this. You knew what it was like, how the loneliness almost swallowed you whole. And Merlin forbid, you were not leaving another person alone to feel the same pain you did.

Soundlessly, you walked over to where he sat on the ground, taking your place next to him. Slowly, as softly as you could, you placed a hand on his arm.

His whole body tensed and jerked, turning to look at you with wide eyes.

“Y-Y/N?” He wiped his tears in a hurry, clearing his throat.

“W-what are you d-doing….. here?” He was hiccuping furiously, making his voice crack. You placed a hand on his arm again, stopping him from frantically rubbing his face free of tears.

“ **You can fall apart if you want to** , Sirius. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

He stopped moving, body rigid. Turning, he shot you a glare. “You know nothing about me.”

You smiled sadly. “Don’t I? Do you read the Daily Prophet?”

Sirius’s eyebrows furrowed, then his expression paled in realization. Yup, he had just remembered the official declaration your parents made in the paper a few years ago.

“I'm… so sorry.” He whispered. “I didn’t think… I-”

Your laugh surprised him to silence. He looked at you as you continued to smile. “It’s okay, you didn’t remember for a minute there.”

Silence overtook both of you as you stared up at the clear night sky, it was a warm night, but the wind was blowing, making it serene and peaceful. Finally, you spoke.

“I can leave if you want me to.” You lifted yourself onto your feet, preparing to push up when Sirius caught your arm.

“No. Could you- Um, **please don’t go. I don’t want to be alone right now**.”

You gave a smile and a nod before sitting down again. Carefully, you placed your hand on Sirius’s arm again. When he didn’t flinch, you slid it down to hold his hand.

“I know how it feels.” You whispered. “It feels like there’s nothing left. You feel so defeated and broken, like you’re drowning, and… and..”

“There’s no one there to pull you out.” Sirius finished, turning his head to look at you. “How did you do it? How’d you fix yourself again?”

You let out a huffed laugh. “Fix myself? I’m not anywhere close to being fixed. Darling, I’m just as broken as you are.”

Sirius’s face scrunched. “Then how do you let it not consume you completely?”

You squeezed his hand. “You learn to live with it. Eventually, overtime, you put together your broken pieces bit by bit. You’re never going to be whole, but you’ll be well enough.”

Sirius stared at you, eyes shifting between yours.

“You’re brilliant.” He mumbled.

Surprised, you felt a blush creep onto your cheeks. You looked away instinctively. Sirius let go of you hand, placing a finger under your chin to make you look at him. His eyes were pleading.

“Will you help me?” His voice was timid. “Will you teach me how to put myself together?”

You couldn’t hold it in any longer, you felt a lone tear roll down your cheek. Sirius caught it on the tip of his finger.

“I’ll be there every step of the way.” You whispered, shifting closer to him so your sides were pressed together.

Finally, a small, soft smile crept onto his face. His eyes drifted downward, settling on your lips. Your heart raced at the intensity of it. He leaned forward, lips ghosting over yours, making you take in a sharp breath.

“ **Can I kiss you?** ” His breath was hot against your lips, you didn’t hesitate to press yours to his.

His lips were hot and wet, moving needily against yours, sucking and nibbling at your bottom lip. You sighed and kissed back with equal fervor, tongue peeking out to press against his lips. His hands tangled in your hair, tugging lightly and caressing your scalp. You fisted his shirt, pulling his body flush against yours.

The heat turned down gradually, reducing to little pecks and nibbles on each other’s lips. Finally, Sirius pulled away with a sigh, resting his forehead against yours.

You smiled at the pale, calm grey in his eyes. He smiled back, pressing himself closer to you.

The broken boy was already starting to heal.


	8. Long Time Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader is reunited with Sirius when he escapes from Azkaban.

Humming to yourself, you poured the tea in your favourite mug, steam rising from it in clouds. You set the kettle on the counter, grabbing the cup to take a sip. As usual, you burned your tongue with it, tears springing into your eyes. Setting the cup onto the tabletop, you sighed and sat down, waiting for it to cool. **  
**

The tapping on your window made you look up. It was Remus’s owl, wings fluttering and balancing on the window sill. You opened it, making the giant bird fly bustling in and land on your shoulder.

You patted him down and moved the bird to your front and untied the parchment on its leg, looking at it with confusion. It was the Daily Prophet.

You started to unfold the parchment, pondering why Remus would send you today’s paper. But it was once you opened it and looked at the front page, that you knew exactly why.

A face was staring back at you from the page. A face so familiar yet so different. It was thin and gaunt, the skin stretched and wrinkled far beyond his years. You almost didn’t recognize him if it weren’t for his eyes. It was the same stormy gray, the eyes which you had once loved to look into. The eyes that were once your biggest source of comfort.

They were cold. Empty. Like a haunted house with no lights on. They were sunken and hollow. They scared you beyond belief.

You knew what Remus meant when he sent you this. _Lock your doors. Keep your eyes open. Stay safe. And stay away from him._

It’s not like you were going to listen to a word Remus said, though.

From the minute Sirius was thrown into Azkaban, you knew he was innocent. For one, he wasn’t the secret keeper. Peter was. That lying, cheating bastard. You were the only person besides the immediate people involved who knew that. Sirius had entrusted you with the information a long time ago without anyone else knowing. It was to this date the biggest regret of your life.

You should have told someone else. You should have known that if all the events that happened were going to happen, no one would listen to the cries and protests of the grief stricken, hysterical fiancé of the alleged traitor. But you had been stupid, both of you.

You read the headline above the terrifying picture, feeling your heart race. Sirius had escaped from Azkaban. Twelve years of slowly boiling in that prison and he was finally free. Before you could help it, you felt doubt overtake you. Would he come to see you? It had been so long. Did he even still love you? You wiped away that thought as soon as it came. No. Sirius did love you, more than anything. You were his world as he was yours.

_But does he feel the same now?_

* * *

It was a tiring few nights for you. You spent every waking moment thinking about Sirius, like you used to when his arrest and the pain of your friends’ deaths was still fresh. You got another letter from Remus, asking if you were alright and if he should come live with you until Sirius was back in Azkaban. You felt your blood boil at that, replying rather curtly that no, you were perfectly fine and didn’t need him to babysit you.

It was almost midnight of the fourth day when you gave up, sleep too strong a temptation to resist and wait for Sirius. He wasn’t going to come. Sighing, you prepared for bed, pulling on soft, woollen pajamas and socks, and just when you were about to flop down on the bed, there was a knock on the door.

You froze, blood running cold for an instant. You knew exactly who it was. Another knock followed the first, louder and more urgent. You broke into a run, slipping on the floor a few times on the way to the door given your socks, but managing to not fall. Your heart was already trying to beat its way out of your chest, tears blurring your vision. With shaky hands, you wrenched open the door.

There he stood, rags on his body and dirt on his face. Hair grown and tangled, falling down his back, face hollow and strangely terrifying, almost unrecognizable under his thick beard. But as he looked at you, your heart still skipped a beat.

It was the same eyes, big and round, a beautiful pale gray. They were covered with a layer of wet tears, and they were  _his_  eyes.

A choked sob left your throat and you threw yourself at Sirius, not caring that he smelled like he hadn’t showered in twelve years, which was probably true. Your chest felt constricted, it was hard to breathe, your cries were strangled and getting them out was a struggle, despite feeling like your throat was going to burst open. You felt his arms around you, tight and infinitely reassuring.

You stood there, both of you, in each other’s arms, on the doorstep. Despite the danger of someone seeing him, you couldn’t seem to let go. You were afraid that if you did, he’d be gone again, as bizarre as that logic sounded.

Finally, Sirius started to stir. Without pulling away from you, he gradually shuffled your bodies backwards, moving over the threshold. With one hand, he pushed the door shut.

You pulled away just enough to look at his face. Up close and if you ignored the dirt and the beard, you could see the same Sirius you loved. He was crying openly now, tears covered his cheeks and his body shook silently. You reached up to wipe the tears from his face, giving him your first smile in twelve years.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?”

It was probably the worst thing you could have said at the time, but when you saw Sirius’s relief over having skipped the emotionally heavy topics, you grabbed his hand tight, intertwining your fingers and leading him straight to the spacious bathroom.

You let him sit on the closed toilet seat as you let the warm water flow in the tub. Then, you waited in awkward silence.

Sirius was here and you were beyond happy, but somehow, you didn’t know how to act around him after all these years. You fidgeted with your hands and looked at the ground, the only sound being the flowing water. After two more minutes, you heard him sigh.

“Y/N, I’m still me, sweetheart.”

You looked up at him, feeling the tears come again. You shrugged.

“I don’t know.  **Time changes people.** ”

Sirous smirked, something that looked so terrifying given his appearance, yet so characteristically Sirius it made your heart leap.

“Staring at the same wall for twelve years doesn’t really leave room for change.”

You let out a shaky laugh, feeling your muscles loosen slightly. The tub was full by now, so you gestured for Sirius to stand up.

“If anything, I should be the scared one.” He said. You looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Is there… did you move on?” He stared at the wall behind your head as he spoke, not looking at your face. You smiled slightly before holding up your left hand. There glittered a diamond ring, shining just as brightly as the day he had slipped it on your finger.

Sirius looked visible relieved, face scrunching in the effort to hold back tears. He grabbed your hand, kissing it over and over again, before resting it on his chest. His heartbeat was erratic, and your smile widened.

You didn’t need words, you knew what he wanted to say.

You reached for his clothes then, but hesitated, before taking a deep breath.  _Get a grip Y/N. It’s Sirius. Your Sirius._  You reached forward then, helping him remove his poor excuse of clothing. Your breath hitched at every inch of exposed skin. He was thin as a stick, bones jutting out. You couldn’t help but trace your fingertips on his ribs. Each one of them was visible. He shivered.

“I’m okay.” You looked up at him, tears blurring your vision. Despite everything he had been through, _he_  was the one comforting  _you_.

“I-” You struggled with your words, like Sirius had just moments ago. He shook his head.

“I know.” His voice seemed to wash over you like warm water, calming you down.

The rest of the time in the bathroom was spent in almost silence, except some words here and there. Sirius moaned loudly on getting in the water, claiming it was the best feeling ever. He then claimed he was lying as he shaved, and that taking that huge beard off was the best feeling. He backtracked again when you cut his hair and he ran a hand through his newly shortened locks.

“If you say that _this_  is the best feeling in the world, I’ll toss you back into Azkaban myself.” Your tone was playful, and he laughed, loud and absolutely beautiful. You couldn’t help but grin at the sound.

Sirius’s moans when it came to the food were borderline pornographic, making you slap him playfully. The mood was much lighter, and it felt like Sirius had never even left. It felt like you were back at Hogwarts, talking late into the night in front of the common room fire, unbeknownst to everyone else who was in deep slumber.

You both had now retired to the couch, blankets thrown over you. Despite it being nearly 3 in the morning, and feeling the tiredness slowly settle in your muscles, you didn’t move from his arms, too afraid to fall asleep and wake up with him gone. You both settled into a comfortable silence right after you had finished narrating everything that had happened in the past decade.

“I missed so much.” Sirius whispered into the silence, arms tightening around you. “All that time I could’ve been with you, we could have spent together, and I had to be rash and do what I did.”

You sighed. “If you had just come to me that night before you went out to seek justice on your own, this would never have happened.”

**“I made a mistake.”**

You nodded against his chest. “You did. But I don’t necessarily blame you. I know how you are. And I know that given the circumstances, the way you reacted was completely justified.”

Sirius lifted your chin up to look at your eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

You shook your head, holding him tighter so he buried his face in your neck. You could feel the tears come again, but you pushed them back, looking at Sirius, face inches from his.

He stared at your lips as you looked at his. Twelve years you had craved their feeling. The soft feeling of his lips on yours, of his lips moving over your skin, of his hands tugging your hair and of his body against yours. A burning desire took over your body and you pulled him down to slam your lips to his.

Time stopped as Sirius kissed you. As his tongue moved with yours and your fingers moved through his hair. His hands held your waist so tight you were sure it would bruise, but you didn’t mind. It had been too long since he had marked you as his.

 **“It’s been a while.”** He mumbled, laying you down on the couch and hovering over you.

 **“Too long.”**  You whispered back, pulling him to you once again.

It was hot and heavy, intense to the point that you felt your heart would burst. It felt like welcoming a very old feeling back home, you had been starved for this for too long. You didn’t hold back your tears, and neither did he. Perhaps later on, you both would laugh about crying during sex, but at this moment, as he made you feel like the most special person on the planet, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

And when you woke up the next morning to a warm body against yours and soft snores muffled in your neck, you felt more content than you had in a really long time.


	9. An Anxious Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the reader tells Sirius she’s pregnant right before he gets whisked away for a life-threatening mission.

There was silence in the room, a silence that didn’t register over the sound of rushing blood in your ears. You stared at the wall, heartbeat slowly racing more and more, until it physically hurt how hard it was beating. Your hand clutched the little stick tightly, a stick which had just last week delivered the most shocking news you had ever received.

It wasn’t until you heard the key enter the keyhole of the front door, that you finally moved. Struggling, hands shaking vigorously, you tried to take deep breaths.

_It’s okay. It’s just Sirius. Don’t worry._

But you did worry.

The war was at its most extreme. You and Sirius were in hiding. This was the worst possible time to have a child. How would Sirius react? What if he…. what if he didn’t want a child right now? Would he refuse to accept your baby?

Voices broke you out of your stupor and you looked towards the kitchen door, confused. Sirius wasn’t the only one here. Then, there were rushing footsteps, and a bang. Sirius entered the kitchen.

You raised your eyebrows at his wild expression.

“There’s been an attack! Too many Death Eaters. Need all the help they can get.” His words came out in gasps due to his breathlessness. He moved over to you.

“Remus is waiting outside. I couldn’t leave without telling you.”

His hands cupped your face and placed a chaste kiss on your lips. He continued before you could say anything.

“Be safe. Lock the doors and don’t open them for anyone but me, okay? I’ll be gone for a couple of days so don’t worry.”

You finally found your voice. “Sirius, how dangerous is this situation exactly?”

He hesitated, not meeting your eyes. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

You shook your head. “Let me come with.”

He shook his head vigorously. “No way. You stay where you’re safe.”

“I’m well capable of taking care of myself.” You shot back.

Sirius sent you a small smile. “I know. That’s why I’m leaving you here all alone.”

A voice called from outside, making Sirius turn his head.

“I have to go,” he gave you another kiss. “I love you.”

It was only when the front door slammed shut that you became aware of the thin stick in your hand. Gasping, you ran to the door and wrenched it open.

“Sirius!” He looked back at you in confusion from where he stood with Remus, holding an old cup which you assumed was a portkey.

You ran to him and he met you halfway, looking at you with a mixture of confusion and worry.

 **“I’m pregnant**.” You whispered. “ **Please** , come back alive, okay? And not just for me. Someone else will be waiting for you, too.”

Sirius’s mouth gaped open, staring at you. You felt the sting of tears at the back of your eyes, not knowing why you felt like crying.

Sirius’s lips moved, trying to form words but nothing came out. Then Remus put a hand on his shoulder, giving you a sympathetic look.

“Sorry, Y/N, but we really have to go.”

You nodded, giving him a weak smile and looking back at Sirius. He still had the same dumbfounded look on his face. You turned around to walk back inside.

* * *

Twelve days.

It had been twelve days since you last saw Sirius. Since you last touched him. Since he last looked into your eyes.

Twelve days since you had dropped a bombshell on him. Twelve days of you puttering around the house, looking at the clock as if it would tell you how long it would take for him to come back.

Either Sirius himself or Remus probably spread the news, because the next day Lily was on your doorstep, holding a sleeping Harry in one arm and a bunch of weird pregnancy stuff in the other, claiming she would live with you until Sirius got back. You were grateful for the company, you knew that otherwise your demons would eat you alive.

Lily told you all sorts of stuff about pregnancy, and once you got past the bad parts like morning sickness and extreme mood swings, you started feeling excited for the first time since you had discovered the news. You waited impatiently for your tummy to start showing, evidence that you had life growing inside you. You and Lily talked the days away about everything baby related, and for a while, you even forgot about the uncertainty of the father’s life hanging over your head.

But then it would come back full force, making you choke up and your smile disappear. Lily would stop talking immediately, hugging you as you both cuddled on the couch, telling you that it’ll be alright.

“ **Are you scared?** ” She asked one day after lunch.

You raised an eyebrow. “Of course I’m scared, Lil. I don’t know where he is, and if he’s even alive.”

Lily shook her head. “No, not that. I meant, about how he’ll react to the baby.”

You pondered her question, remembering the look in Sirius’s face right before he left.

“I don’t know, Lily. I can’t really say. I’m not as scared as I was before I had told him, for some reason.”

Lily shrugged. “You shouldn’t be. Remus was ecstatic when he told me. I’m sure Sirius feels the same.”

A smile spread across your face at her words, heart lighter than it had been in days.

* * *

Twelve days turned to thirteen, which turned to fourteen, the number only climbing higher.

Twenty one days.

You were sick with worry by now, and it was amplified, given your condition. Lily tried her best to calm you down. James had gone after the boys two days ago despite Dumbledore’s orders, claiming he didn’t care about the danger and that they were his friends. He had yet to return.

Right now you were on the couch, crying for what was the twentieth time that day, and it wasn’t even noon yet. Lily had given up on using words, just hugging you to her. You knew she was worried about James as well, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to comfort her, no matter how much you wanted to. You yourself were too drained.

There was a thud, a creak and then a slam, signaling the front door opening and closing. You and Lily looked at each other, eyes wide, before breaking out into a full run to the entrance of the gallery.

James was the first person to enter, reasonably sweaty and disheveled, but it was nothing compared to Sirius, who looked like a caveman. His face was splattered with dirt, there was dried blood on his clothes, but thankfully, not any visible wound. His hair was a mess and he looked tired beyond belief.

You let out a choked sob before practically flying at him, wrapping your arms and legs around him. He stumbled back but remained standing as you wailed into his shoulder, hugging you tight. You could feel his shoulders shake as well.

He set you down on your feet after about five minutes, cupping your face and pressing kisses all over it, making you let out a shaky laugh.

“I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you…” he continued rambling between kisses, making you smile. His hand rested calmly on your stomach.

“And I love the little guy, too.” You watched with a huge grin as his lips pursed. “Or girl. When do we find out?”

You laughed again, hugging him close. “That’s a long time away, babe. I don’t even have a bump right now.”

Sirius looked down at your stomach. “I dunno, I kind of see it a little bit. It’s actually-”

“Y’know, I know I’m not the father of your unborn child but I’m still your friend.” James voice cut in.

You turned your head to look at him. He had a pout on his face, arms crossed and Lily had a huge smile on her face, looking at him fondly.

You grinned, walking over to him and pulling him into a hug. He hugged you back, tight. You felt better than you did in twenty one days.

“So does this mean I’ll be godfather?” James asked, looking down at you. You pursed your lips, pretending to think.

“Dunno. I was kind of going to ask Remus…” you burst into laughter at the look of absolute betrayal on James’ face.

Feeling a warmth behind you, you leaned back against Sirius, his arms sneaking around you and pulling you close. You closed your eyes as bickering between the two friends ensued, feeling like the happiest person alive.


	10. Through The Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of watching Sirius Black grow into a complete person, and maybe fall in love with him along the way.

Year one.

He was small and had a skinny build, like almost all other eleven year olds. The only reason he caught your attention was because he was a Black, but he was placed in Gryffindor. You could see the shock on Professor McGonagall’s face when the Sorting Hat yelled Gryffindor. You could see the light smirk on Dumbledore’s. A Black that was not in Slytherin? Strange indeed. But that wasn’t it. It was the relief in the boy’s eyes, the slump of his shoulders and the suppressed smile on his face.

Year two.

He was becoming bolder. And you knew it had a lot to do with James Potter. The two were attached at the hip, and along with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, they were undoubtedly becoming the most talked about people in school. Their pranks and hilarious jokes helped that along, of course. They were incredibly popular.

You felt changes in yourself as well, but not any kind that you were expecting. You didn’t expect your face to grow hot when his eyes met yours. Or a smile take over your face when one was on his lips. Or your heart beat a little too hard for it to be normal when he laughed.

Your friends said it was creepy. Your heart said it was perfectly normal. Your brain said it was a crush. There were a lot of things going on. You just went along with it.

Year three.

Did no one notice the slight slouch in Sirius’s shoulder? The gradually darkening bags under his eyes? Or the disappointment on his face when his brother got sorted into Slytherin like the rest of his family? Or did no one care?

Maybe you cared too much. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was creepy to be so interested in one person. Yeah, it probably was.

You tried hard to not take as much interest in Sirius’s life as you did. You really tried. But it was all blown to bits the day he sat next to you in Potions.

You stared at him, eyes so wide that if your mind wasn’t racing so much, you’d be worried about them popping out.

Sirius Black was sitting next to you.

He gave you a big smile, making his whole face light up. Your heart skipped a beat.

“Y/N, right?”

You nodded soundlessly, shaking his outstretched hand. It was warm and soft, you could already feel your face going hot.

Sirius Black was talking to you.

And he did it again. And again. And again. In every Potions class. Then once in the Great Hall. Then at the Quidditch pitch. Then he once walked you to class. It was more than a ‘hello’ or ‘hi’ now. It was innocent questions about each other’s favourite things. It was asking you to sit with him and his friends in the common room. It was exchanged smiles and laughs between two friends.

Because Sirius Black was now your friend.

Year four.

Girls looked at him differently now, and you couldn’t blame them. Puberty did Sirius good. He grew constantly, lost his baby fat, grew his hair out. And then there was that smirk. That ever present charming smirk that you knew made the girls, and even some boys, swoon. He was a walking Greek god, and you were jealous.

Of course you were jealous. It was a stupid thought, but you didn’t care. You loved him first. He was yours. Who were all these girls to flock towards him now that he was hotter? There was more to him than just the looks.

You felt like you were the only person who could see it, though.

For one, he had bruises when he came back after summer. Bruises that he hid desperately, laughing them off when one or two accidently showed. He didn’t tell you, and you didn’t ask. If he wanted you to know, he’d tell you…. wouldn’t he?

Year five.

You were utterly, irrevocably, completely in love with Sirius Black.

Your heart ached for him, your hands yearned for his skin, your eyes starved for his glance. Your lips hungry for his taste and your ears anxious for his voice.

But it went farther than that. Sirius was getting worse. His smiles were fewer, his jokes were rare. His laughs were forced and his smirk was now plastic, something plastered on him as a facade. James knew, you could see it in the way he looked at Sirius. And that just aroused your curiosity further.

You finally broke.

You cornered him after Charms one afternoon, telling him you had been worried for a long time, and you wanted to help in whatever way you could. His eyes turned hard, staring at the wall behind you.

“Why don’t you mind your own business?”

It was harder than a slap on the face, but it was expected. Sirius had built up a wall, a wall that you saw being built all these years. It wouldn’t be easy penetrating it, but you would give it your best shot.

He stared at you as tears gathered in your eyes, his face softening slightly. He sighed.

“Y/N,  **give me a reason to not turn around and walk away now**. Please, give me a good reason.”

And so you knew. Sirius wanted to be helped, he wanted something to hold on to. And you would give him a damn good reason.

You poured your heart out to Sirius, telling him you cared for him, and you were his friend and wanted to be there for him. You were careful to not reveal too much. But apparently, you were not careful enough.

Did he see through you like you saw through him? Was that why his lips were on yours? Soft and hesitant, almost pulling away? Was that why he cried as he broke down? Holding you close and telling you all of the Black family’s dark secrets kept behind closed doors?

He was heaving deep breaths, tears covering his whole face and you kissed him, over and over and over, telling him you’d always be there. You would do whatever helped.

“Hold me?” And that was that. The hug was tight, and it comforted you just as much as it comforted him.

Year six.

It was a tentative start. Surprisingly, Sirius was shy to approach a real relationship. You were confused why.

“You’ve been with lots of girls before, Sirius.”

He smiled down at your hands where they were intertwined, running a thumb over your skin.

**“What if I told you I’ve been in love with you since I was eleven?”**

You were shocked beyond belief. Still and motionless, you stared at Sirius. Your only response was a kiss, but you put enough in it for him to figure it out.

You put the last six years in it. And he knew.

Year seven.

Sirius was better. Ever since the Potters took him in, he was doing good, and you could instantly see it in his body language. Maybe you knew him too well. But the signs were definitely there. Your love for him seemed to grow everyday. He slowly became the center of your world, your lifeline. He was the reason you smiled and the reason you wanted to make something of yourself. He was your everything.

Maybe you shouldn’t have let him be this much for you.

Because three years later, three long years of laughs and love and wonderful bliss, while watching the tears fall on the newspaper bearing his face, the headline blurring before your eyes, all you had were words, words that meant nothing at all.

**“I thought you loved me.”**


	11. Painfully Gorgeous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius Black is gorgeous. The reader loves and hates it.

“Y/N, you’re staring again.”

You blinked, looking at Lily. “What? No, I’m not!”

“You’re practically drooling.”

Subconsciously, your hands reached up to wipe your mouth. “I’m not drooling…”

Lily shrug. “Yeah, you’re right. I mean, what would you see in Sirius anyway?”

Appalled, you stared at Lily. “What are you talking about? Sirius is an amazing guy, he’s good-looking, and he’s smart and funny too!”

Silence.

You gulped, realizing what you had just said. Lily was trying hard to hold in her laughter. You shot her a dirty look and a middle finger, making her burst into laughter. Shaking your head, you returned to your essay.

Okay, so  _what_  if you had a crush on Sirius Black? So did ninety percent of Hogwarts’ female population. No big deal.

Yes big deal, actually.

Because Sirius Black was  _fucking gorgeous_  and it was physically painful to stare at him too long.

It was a genuine issue. Not laying eyes on him for too long would make you restless, yet looking at him had you drooling…. which had been eloquently pointed out by Lily.

Thing was, even looking at Sirius Black felt like directing a porno in your head. His entire being was  _sinful._  And to top all of that off, you were the most awkward, boring person on the planet. And that made him even more unattainable.

It absolutely wasn’t fair that his insanely good looks were completed with a smart brain and incredible personality. Now you couldn’t even convince yourself that he was all looks and no brains. Because he was both and it was so fucking  _unfair_.

Very occasionally, you’d see a girl on his arm, making you want to strangle her and throw her into the river ( _literally Y/N, what the fuck?_ ) but he never stuck with them. All too soon, he would be single again, but that was worse that the girlfriend. Someone so hot and totally available, yet so out of your reach? Satan was laughing right now while pouring tea for himself.

So here you were, living life with an eternal crush on His Gorgeousness, watching him from afar and slowly feeling the bitterness in you grow.

Life couldn’t be worse. But Slughorn existed so who were you kidding.

Asshole paired you with Sirius fucking Black.

Now you had to watch as Sirius moved around the table to gather potion ingredients. You had to listen to him, and force your own rubber tongue to reply because _holy shit_  was it okay to talk to that face? You had to watch him brush his hair back when it came in the way and had to physically restrain yourself from touching it.

 _You’ve ruined my life._ Your lips pursed at the thought.

Sirius looked up, eyebrow raised. “Excuse me?”

Your eyes widened.  _Holy fuck did i say that out loud?_

Sirius rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Yes, you did. If you have something against me, say it to my face rather than just thinking about it.”

Fortunately, or rather, unfortunately, the bell rang, signalling the end of the lesson. Before you could even open your mouth, Sirius had wrapped up his things and padded out of the classroom, displaying his usual grace despite his obvious anger at you. Dread overtook you then, as you watched his retreating back.

_Oh no. No no no._

Not caring about your stuff, you sprinted out of the classroom and behind Sirius, grabbing his arm and turning him around.

“I- I didn’t mean it like that,” you panted, out of breath. “I’ve- you haven’t ruined my life.” You paused. “I mean, you kind of have, but not like how you think.”

Sirius stared at you with a weird look on his face.  _That beautiful face-_

“Sorry Y/L/N, you’re not making a whole lot of sense.”

“I-” You cleared your throat, voice dying. Sirius was looking at you with a strange intensity in his grey eyes that made you want to die right there and then.

You huffed, scowling. “I’m furious. Absolutely seething.”

Sirius looked caught off guard. “W-what?”

“Who do you think you are, making me feel this way?” You poked his chest with your finger. “How dare you? With your stupid face, and stupider hair… and  _stupider is not even a word…_. You’re even making me forget how to English!”

Sirius had his lips pursed by now, holding in laughter. “How to  _English_?”

“UGH!” You ran a hand through your hair. You knew that speaking now would just make things worse, so you spun around, ready to walk off when Sirius tugged you, making your back crash into his chest.

“No, I don’t think I’m going to let you leave yet, love.” His breath tickled your neck, making a shiver run down your spine. You could feel his smirk where his lips pressed to your neck, one arm snaking around your waist. You leaned into his touch, not being able to resist.  _Dear Merlin, I’m about to have a heart attack._

Sirius pulled his mouth away slightly, not loosening his grip on you. “Y’know, I‘ve had a lot of girls compliment me but none of them have boosted my ego like you have.”

You huffed out a laugh. “How so?”

“A beautiful girl like you tongue-tied because of me? You don’t need to use words, darling.”

You blushed a furious red, turning around in Sirius’s arms. His cheeks were dusted with a slight pink despite his confident smirk and oh my  _god_  you were about to die.

Instead of you perishing, however, all you felt were soft lips pressing against yours, making you take in a sharp breath, before sighing and kissing back.  _Sweet mother of all things holy,_  Sirius Black was kissing you.

Smiling widely against his lips, you wrapped your arms around him, not knowing that the hallway around you was now empty. And in all honesty, not giving a single fuck.


	12. Always There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In moments when Sirius is weak, you’ll always be there to help.

“For the last time James, we are not playing strip games at the party.”

“But it’s a party Y/N! How can we have a party, a New Years Eve party nonetheless, and not have strip games before midnight?”

You let out an exasperated sigh, setting your quill down. “Okay, first of all, we’re seventeen year old, hormonal teenagers. Strip games at parties for us will be a disaster. Second of all, McGonagall will have our heads if she finds out-.”

“ _If_  she finds out-”

“ _Third of all_..” You continued, tone stern. “You’re only suggesting them because you want to see Evans naked. Which _by the way_ -” You sent him a  _what the fuck_ look. “-you might see her naked, but so will the other 40 guys in the room.”

James flushed, eyebrows furrowed in thought. “Damn, you’re right.”

You snickered at the expression on James’ face as the portrait swung outward and Sirius climbed through. You opened your mouth to speak, but one look at his face and you knew the party was the last thing on his mind.

“Hey,” Your voice was soft as you saw the roll of parchment scrunched in Sirius’s hand. You knew exactly who had sent it. Your chest tightened at the thought of what abuse Walburga Black had written on it this time.

“Hey you.” You said again as Sirius climbed into your open arms, holding you close to him and snuggling into your neck. You ran a hand through his hair, feeling his shoulders shake. James seemed to get the hint as he stood up, giving Sirius a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before heading for the dorms, leaving you two alone.

You rested your head on top of Sirius’s, pushing your books away and making more room for Sirius next to you. Gently, you rested your hand on his, ever so slowly pulling the parchment from it. You felt him stiffen as you read the letter, filled with so much hate and swears, you sneered at how ‘noble’ and ‘respectable’ the House of Black claimed itself to be.

Sighing you crumpled the parchment up again, stuffing it in your bag and turning to Sirius. You lifted his head and made him look in your eyes.

“It’s not true.”

Sirius screwed his eyes shut, trying to bury his head in your shoulder again, but you kept him in place.

“Sirius, it’s not. You’re an incredible human being, brave enough to break away from the confines of this cage your family had forced you into. They know that they can’t get you back. And now they’re just trying to get under your nerves. No offense, but your mum’s a right bitch.”

Sirius suppressed a smile. “None taken. You’re absolutely right.”

You kissed his forehead, then the bridge of his nose and eventually moved to his lips, pecking them over and over again until a smile broke onto Sirius’s face.

“What would I do without you?” His eyes were wet, the soft look in them nearly made you flush.

“Crash into utter chaos.”

He laughed then, leaning upward slightly to kiss you, slow and deep. You hummed into it, wrapping your arms around him.

“I’ll always stay with you,” you whispered. “Whether you’re lost, or upset. Or whether you’ve just conquered the world. It doesn’t matter. I’ll be here every step of the way.”

You felt Sirius smile and kiss you harder, hands digging into your sides. In the quiet of the room, he was consuming you completely, and you didn’t mind one bit.

* * *

Hours later but in the same common room, you stood with over fifty people, cup in hand but the contents of it presently ignored. You were pleasantly buzzed, and too busy gawking at your gorgeous boyfriend to do anything else. He had his arm around Remus’s shoulder, forcing him to down another bottle of Firewhiskey. Remus was putting up quite the fight, but you knew he wouldn’t last long, Sirius was too persuasive. Surely enough, by the time it was midnight, he was passed out piss drunk on the couch. You didn’t pay it a lot of heed then, too occupied with warm lips and cold hands that were creeping over your skin. Amidst the shouts and cheers, and whispered ‘I love yous’, Remus was long forgotten.

Of course, Sirius regretted getting Remus that drunk later, when the common room was empty and both of you had to drag him up to the dorms. He complained the whole way there and back, then he complained about the mess everyone had left. Then he moaned and complained about having to clean it up, even though it was pretty obvious that he was only pretending to be busy and it was you who was doing the actual work.

You picked up another two cups and dropped them in the black garbage bag. Sirius was leaning back on the couch, staring at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“What are you thinking about?” You asked him, dropping the garbage bag, walking over to him and flopping down on it.

“Just about yesterday.” He said, turning his head to look at you.

“What about it?”

He smiled lazily, leaning towards you and placing a kiss on your lips, making you grin.

“Promise me that you’ll never become a stranger to me.”

You stared at him, eyes softening. Leaning forward, you kissed him again, long and deep, slow and passionate. You pulled him close until his body was flush against yours.

“I promise.” you mumbled against his lips. He sighed and pulled away, hugging you close to him.

The trashed common room was just as silent as it had been the day before. You lightly scratched Sirius’s scalp, smiling as you felt him shiver at the sensation, warmth enveloping you from the inside out.


	13. Too Good At Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Sam Smith's 'Way too good at goodbyes'.

“Any reason why I had to find out from Remus about you staying with James this summer?”

Sirius turned to look at her, slightly startled, before his face turned hard and he went back to staring into the fire. “No reason.”

He heard her sigh, walking around the couch and going to sit with him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, still not looking at her. He couldn’t. “Can we not talk about it right now, Y/N? I’m too tired for this.”

She scoffed. “That’s what you always say. And then we never talk about it.”

“And what’s so wrong about that?”

She stared at him, incredulous. “I’m your girlfriend, Sirius. I care about you, I want to help you.”

Sirius felt his heart beat faster. He couldn’t tell her. All the abuse, both physical and mental. Everything his family put him through. She couldn’t find out about how much of a mess he was. She would leave him, just like everyone did. “I don’t need your help.”

He knew he’d struck a nerve. His heart lurched, praying she’d leave it at that and they could forget this happened.

“I don’t understand.” Her voice was soft, almost inaudible, but it made Sirius’s heart squeeze in his chest. “Why won’t you let me in? I love you so much, Sirius. But everytime something happens, you shut down and start pushing me away. Is- is it me? Do you not trust me?”

Sirius screwed his eyes shut in order to will the tears away. Then, he looked at her.

“I can’t tell you, okay? Don’t push me Y/N. Please.”

Silence. Sirius heard her sniffle and stand up, then there was shuffling and she was gone, leaving him to cry alone by the fireplace.

* * *

“Black, can I talk to you?”

Sirius turned around, mouth full. Lily Evans stood behind him, tapping her foot. He looked behind him, confused, then he turned back to her and pointed towards his chest, questioning look on his face. She let out an exasperated sigh.

“Yes, you! Do you have any other Black here?”

Sirius stood up, swallowing his food and following Evans out of the Great Hall. He saw James staring at them, confused and intrigued, the same as he felt.

“What’s up?” He said when they were away from the loud chatter of the dinner crowd.

“When was the last time you saw Y/N?”

Sirius blinked, surprised. “Uh..” He cleared his throat. “Last night.”

She nodded, frown on her face. “Right. Any time after that?”

Sirius’s eyebrows furrowed, thinking. “No…” He had been so preoccupied by the Howler he had received from home, containing the news that he was no longer welcome there, along with the usual insults his mother always spewed, he hadn’t noticed Y/N not being in any of their classes. “Merlin, is she okay? Why wasn’t she in classes?”

“Oh, now he notices.” Lily scoffed, rolling her eyes. Sirius felt panic fill him and he grabbed her arms.

“Now is not the time for this, Evans! Where is she? Is she okay? Tell me she’s okay.”

Lily’s eyes softened at the worry in his tone. “She’s fine. I mean, she’s not fine, but she’s not hurt. Not physically anyway-”

“Evans…”

“She’s been crying in our dorm room all day.”

Sirius stared at her, mouth gaping. “What?”

Lily shrugged. “Yeah. What did you say to her last night? She came back crying and didn’t get up in the morning and she was crying when I went back at lunch time.”

Sirius stared at her, chest suddenly very tight. Just when he thought he was completely drained, he felt the tears come again. All his efforts to keep you away from his messes, and the only thing he managed to do was hurt you further.

Lily must have noticed the impact her news had on him, because she grabbed his wrist and dragged him all the way to the Gryffindor tower. There, standing in front of the stairs to the girls’ dormitories, she mumbled a spell on them. Turning to him, she patted his arm.

“Talk to her. Sort this out. She’s miserable.”

Sirius nodded, walking past her and up to the room he knew she was in. Opening and closing the door behind him with a small click, he leaned back against it, watching the lump of blankets on the bed farthest from the door.

Slowly, he walked over to her, footsteps nearly silent. Once there, he shrugged his boots off, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Go away Lily,” piped up a small voice from the cocoon. “I just want to be alone.”

Sirius sighed, laying down next to the little bundle and hugging it to him.

“Do you really?”

The pile moved then, and a little head with disheveled hair popped out. Sirius smiled at the sight. He couldn’t believe he’d made someone so endearing cry. His heart squeezed again at the thought.

“Baby,” he cooed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I should have told you, but I couldn’t bring myself to.”

There was more shuffling, then Y/N lifted up one side of the blankets. Sirius gladly climbed inside, sighing at her warmth and pulling her into him.

“Don’t you trust me?”

Sirius nodded his head vigorously, brushing her hair out of her face. “Of course I do. I just don’t trust myself.”

“Sirius-”

He held a hand up. “Let me talk.” She closed her mouth.

“I know you think I’m heartless, and cold. But I’m just trying to protect both myself and you from the steaming hot mess that is my life. You can’t find out about it Y/N. If you find out about how fucked up I am-” His voice cracked at the end and Sirius stopped to take a breath.

Y/N lifted herself onto her elbows, face hovering next to his. She leaned forward to kiss his cheek.

“I’m not forcing you to tell me all your life’s secrets, Sirius. I just don’t want you to shut down and start being rude the minute I ask you about it. And if the only reason you won’t tell me is because you think I’ll  _leave_  you because of it…. Tell me, is anything going on in your life your fault?”

Sirius thought if his mother’s sneers and insults, making a face. “No, not really.”

Y/N smiled, kissing his cheek over and over. “Then you have nothing to worry about. I love you, baby. So much. What your family does to you is not going to change that.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “How did you know it was my family?”

Y/N nuzzled her nose on his jaw, making him pull her closer. “I’m not completely stupid.”

Sirius kissed her then, long and deep, fingers tangled in her hair, body pressed tightly to hers.

“You mean so much to me.” He mumbled against her lips.

He felt her smile and kiss back harder, the weight on his shoulders already lessening. He knew he had to try and open up a bit more, and he would. A little voice in his head had him determined that he wouldn’t let her walk away, ever.


	14. Sirius being touch starved would include...

  * Sirius was a major name in Voldemort’s threat list. And Dumbledore decided he had to go into hiding alone.
  * He point blank refused at first, saying he wasn’t going to let you out of his sight. It took a lot of convincing on everyone’s part, but eventually they convinced both you and him.
  * Saying farewell was an emotionally heavy occasion, with many kisses and touches, both of you trying to memorize every inch of the other. You were crying by the time they broke you apart.
  * A full month later and after seeing you completely distraught, Lily convinced Dumbledore and arranged a short meeting for you two.
  * You nearly cried in relief when you found out, heart beating fast and fingers counting down the days till you saw him again.
  * And it was only when you did that you realized it was harder on him than on you. 
  * He had been living completely alone, and it had left him craving your touch.
  * The reunion hug was long, tight and desperate, hands grasping at every inch of you, scrunching your shirt in his hands, face buried deep in your shoulder.
  * His kissed you right after he pulled away, long and heavy, hands tangled in your hair, tongue caressing yours. It took your breath away.
  * It made you realize that clingy, touchy Sirius was your favourite Sirius.
  * I mean, who wouldn’t want that kind of attention?
  * The meetings were only about once every two weeks from then on, but it was more than enough for your thirsty hands.
  * Kisses, so many kisses. Little pecks and full blown makeouts, nibbles on your neck and ear, an occasional hickey.
  * He did this thing where he’d rub his nose against yours, nuzzle it into your neck or bump it against your cheek before kissing your face.
  * His hands would  _not_  leave your skin, not that you minded.
  * They’d be all over you. Rubbing your arms, under your shirt, holding your hand, in your hair.
  * He absolutely loved it when you ran your hands through his hair, and you’d physically feel him shiver when your nails scraped his scalp. It was your favourite thing to do, and his favourite thing to  _make_  you do.
  * He’d whine when you tried to pull away, and you’d let him hold you, not knowing when you’d see him again.
  * Of course, it led to something more *wink wonk* but you weren’t complaining at all. He wanted to be close to you, and that’s exactly what he got for those short few hours.




	15. NSFW Alphabet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Obviously, explicit sexual content, smut, NSFW.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Sirius gets very cuddly after sex. He loves to be the big spoon afterwards, nuzzling his face into your neck and placing small open mouthed kisses on your neck and shoulder.

 

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Sirius loves his tongue almost as much as you love it. He knows how to use it, and he loves to watch you completely fall apart under it. Maybe it’s the dog in him that gives him a skillful tongue.

His favourite part of you are your thighs and ass. He has no shame, so rest assured, he will grab it any time, any place.

 

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Sirius loves both giving and receiving oral, and he won’t say it, but you know he loves it when you swallow. The aftertaste of himself on your tongue drives him crazy.

 

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Sirius has a thing for the Quidditch uniform, and he absolutely loves it on you. One look of you in that damn uniform and you are basically guaranteed getting fucked against the lockers in the shower room.

 

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Oh, Sirius knows exactly what he’s doing in bed. He is experienced, not too much and not too little. He is very observant of your reactions to what he’s doing, and that helps him get better and better every time.

 

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Doggy style. Sirius loves your ass, and he wants that visual when he takes you. He loves grabbing on to it maybe even spanking it as he pounds into you.

 

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Laughter isn’t common in bed while you’re with Sirius. There was this one time when the situation just gave way to humor, but even if there is a laugh here or a giggle there, it quickly turns hot and steamy again.

 

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Sirius doesn’t have a lot of hair down there, he’s very well groomed. He also gives zero fucks about your hair, but you know he likes it smooth, so you shave every once in a while.

 

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Sirius is very romantic when he wants to be. Sex with him is usually very intense. If there’s something emotional leading up to it, he makes love to you soft and pleasurable enough to make both of you shed a tear or two.

 

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Sirius knows he can have you anytime he wants, but sometimes when he’s in the shower, he can’t help but jack off. You both occasionally jack off together too, he thinks watching you pleasure yourself while thinking of him is the hottest thing ever.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Sirius has a lot of kinks, but the most prominent ones are probably hair pulling, and tying you up. There’s a dom factor in him that does let out when he’s being a bit more rough, so when you pull his hair, it instantly turns him on.

 

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

I mean, with Sirius? Literally anywhere. His favourites being empty classrooms or closets where he knows people would hear you if you got just a bit loud.

 

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

You biting your lips turns Sirius on very badly. You often do it unintentionally, leading to impromptu sex. Sometimes however, when you want to tease him, lip biting and licking is the way to do it.

 

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Knife play, or anything that can cause physical injury is out of the question for Sirius. Sometimes, he even gets upset on the light marks bondage leaves on your skin. It brings back too many bad memories from home and the last thing he wants to do is hurt you.

 

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Sirius loves oral, both giving and receiving. It’s his favourite form of foreplay. Making you come with just his mouth is a huge ego booster for him, and his favourite sight is you on your knees in front of him.

 

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Both. Sirius can be quite rough if he wants, manhandling you and pounding into you until you shake and cum. There are also nights where he takes his time, slowly pumping into you as he peppers every inch of visible skin with kisses.

 

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Quickies are quite often with Sirius. Since he doesn’t give a fuck about classes (generally) he pulls you into small, empty spaces often to have his way with you. He knows when to be quick and when to take his time.

 

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Most of the time, Sirius is down for it if you are down for it. He likes to test you at times, wanting to see how far he can push you while you struggle to keep quiet. But he knows his limits as well as he knows yours.

 

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Sirius has surprisingly good stamina. Two or three rounds is usual for him when he’s very horny. But he makes sure you cum almost double the times he does, it’s kind of an unspoken rule of his.

 

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Not really. Both you and Sirius satisfy each other enough that things have never gone to toys. 

 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Sirius is a fucking huge tease. It’s his go to way of getting sex. And he’s very good at it too. He actually holds a PhD in teasing, which often leaves you very frustrated and very horny.

 

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Sirius is quite vocal about what he likes and what he doesn’t like. His reactions to what is happening are quite easily readable and it helps you figure out what he enjoys most and least.

 

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Sirius is a very jealous person, and when he sees a guy get too close, he visibly slides his hand down your ass and sends him a glare. He doesn’t say anything, but makes his meaning very clear when he drags you away to make you scream and cry his name loud enough for everyone, including that guy, to hear.

 

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Sirius is more towards length than width. He’s bigger than average, and he knows it.

 

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Quite high. Turning Sirius on is no problem most of the time. One only needs to know how to do the right things.

 

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Sirius usually kisses you all over at least once before going to sleep. He’s very clingy afterward, making him and you warm and toasty enough to fall asleep soon after.


End file.
